


You Have Heart

by Liraeyn



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Adoption, Angst, Depression, Infanticide, Major Character Injury, Mercy Killing, Mind Control, Mpreg, Resurrection, Shapeshifting, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-28
Updated: 2020-04-11
Packaged: 2020-05-28 15:56:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,379
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19397446
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Liraeyn/pseuds/Liraeyn
Summary: Shortly after Loki takes over Clint's mind, the two of them discover an unexpected bond in the midst of a dire situation.





	1. Chapter 1

I own none of these characters. 

Mpreg isn’t really my thing, but it’s Loki, so there’s a bit of canon behind it. Between the shape-shifting and the magic and him being an alien species, it kind of works, and this got into my head and wouldn’t get out, so I figured I’d try my hand at it. Feel free to (politely and reasonably) express whatever opinion you see fit. 

To avoid any confusion, this is set during the beginning of the Avengers, immediately after the destruction of the SHIELD base. This is a one-shot. 

X 

“Sir? Do you need help?” 

It was still Clint’s basic instinct, to care for the person he was supposed to be serving. Somewhere in the back of his mind, the part that hadn’t been scrambled, he knew that Loki was completely and utterly unworthy of anyone’s allegiance, but it didn’t matter. Everything he had to offer, his strength, his skills, even his thoughts, were at the disposal of whatever being was truly behind this. 

A part of him knew that even Loki was not fully in command. 

The alien being in question was currently huddled in a corner with his arms around himself. At Clint’s inquiry, he stood up and walked into a back room without looking back. Acting on instinct, Clint followed. 

There was that scene in Empire Strikes Back where one of Darth Vader’s men accidentally sees him with his helmet off, revealing the damage underneath but also the humanity, such as was left. Now Clint knew how that character felt. 

Loki sank to the concrete floor, dismissing some of his magic as he did so. All at once, he appeared far more battered, covered in bruises and half-healed injuries. Wherever he’d come from, he’d probably been glad to leave. But that was none of Clint’s concern. Only the mission mattered. 

When Loki conjured a dagger, lifted his shirt, and began cutting away at his own abdomen, Clint was compelled to act. The obligation was to serve in any task and protect from any threat. Even if that threat was self-inflicted. 

“Sir? Don’t hurt yourself.” 

“I’m not.” 

Loki’s voice was quiet, but steady and emotionless. He barely flinched as he cut through several layers of skin and muscle. To Clint’s surprise, there was barely any blood. Magic? This was Loki, after all. 

After watching a glowing blue cube generate a portal that summoned an alien from heaven only knew where to take over people’s minds before barely escaping before an entire base imploded in a massive shockwave, Clint had figured nothing would shock him, and he was actually right. 

The small being Loki extracted from his own body certainly looked human, but Clint had seen too many sci-fi flicks to entirely trust appearances. It had to be at least half-Asgardian, right? Or whatever one called Loki’s species. The other half, if there was one, was anyone’s guess. 

It wasn’t moving. 

Loki laid the baby on the concrete floor with barely a second glance. What looked like an afterbirth soon followed, and vanished with a wave of Loki’s hand. Another quick spell, and the incision mended itself seamlessly. 

A few meaningless whimpers broke the silence, and Loki closed his eyes. On the floor, the child was not dead, as Clint had thought. The cold air had evidently woken her to complain about her situation. You and me both, little one. 

“She’s alive.” 

Loki let out a tired groan. “I had noticed.” He sounded absolutely defeated. 

“Shouldn’t we-” Clint took a step towards the infant before a wordless command from Loki halted him in his tracks. Standing in a filthy puddle, of course. Loki didn’t have much power, but using what he did have, he was both vindictive and petty. Classic. 

“I’d hoped it wouldn’t make it. That would have been easier.” Loki stalked to a corner of the room, turning his back on them both. After a long moment. “I can shapeshift, or at least, I could, until they told me I couldn’t. So I had no other way to get it out. I can fight better when it’s not draining my magic.” 

That was alarming, to realize that the Loki they’d been dealing with was less capable than usual. What in all of creation is out there? No wonder Fury wanted better weapons. 

“I- uh, I’ve never told anyone this,” Clint began hesitantly, the spell forbidding him from keeping secrets. “Laura, my wife- when she got pregnant, I was absolutely terrified. We’d wanted a kid for a while, and the moment we decided to actually try, there we were. She was so excited. I thought I would be, but I couldn’t help hoping the test was wrong. She went for an ultrasound, I didn’t even want to look. Then she woke up in the middle of the night, bleeding, and I realized I wished it would die. I didn’t want to kill my own kid or anyone else’s, still don’t, but if it just happened... I was scared to be responsible for him, that I would always have to worry, that I wouldn’t be as good of an agent if I had a weakness-” 

“It’s the last one.” 

Loki spun around, eyes blazing. 

“I’m not allowed to have a weakness.” 

Without another word, Loki returned to the fussing newborn. He lifted her with surprising gentleness, tucking her in his left arm. For a long moment, he looked her over, before planting a kiss on her forehead. 

“Your name is Lila.” 

Without another word, Loki conjured a dagger in his right hand. Through the mind link that kept him completely unable to intervene, Clint could feel the cold metal of the handle, the warmth of the baby’s skin. Then Loki drove the blade into her neck, and he felt that, too. It met with resistance, less than it should have. The blade was that sharp. He pulled it forward, severing her windpipe, and hot blood poured out. No emotions crossed the link. They were numb. 

For a long moment, Asgardian and human stared at each other wordlessly. Then Loki let out a choking cry, breaking the mind link. He dropped the bloody knife to the ground and placed his hand on Lila’s neck, pouring magic into her. To Clint’s amazement, the blood flowed back to where it belonged, flesh knitting around it. Loki was obviously having some sort of internal struggle. He shook his head, muttering what Clint eventually realized was “No, please no, don’t make me do it,” over and over again. 

“I’ll take her.” 

Where that came from, Clint was not sure. The compulsion to follow the mission, above all else, and its accompanying mandate to protect Loki in any way he could. More than that, it was an element of whatever Loki had seen when he decided to cast that spell. Perhaps Loki knew exactly what he was doing. You have heart... 

“Where will you go?” Loki clutched his daughter for dear life, despite his near-decapitation of her only seconds earlier. 

Clint knew he had to tell him. “There’s a place not many know about. It’s safe enough for my family; it’ll be safe enough for her.” 

After a long moment. Loki extended his arms, Lila now sleeping happily in them. Clint removed his jacket and wrapped it around her. 

“She’ll be safe. I promise.”


	2. Safe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know how sometimes you think a story is done, then it decides it’s not? Well, that’s what happened here. I think there will be two chapters after this.

The Quinjet’s engines rumbled strangely gently for how much power they cranked out. The constant low rumble was accompanied only by Lila’s sporadic fussing. How long could she last without food? They didn’t have milk or formula to give her. Laura had some left over from Cooper, once they got to the farm, so until then, she would just have to manage. Clint held her himself, not trusting the men around him. One of them gave him an emergency blanket from the Quinjet’s supplies, so he now had his jacket back, but other than that, they simply ignored him and the baby and did as they were told. 

Drowsy hours passed, and the Quinjet eventually landed on a dirt road. Clint was unwilling to take them any closer. Leaving the engines shut down and the men with a command to stay, he took off at a jog for the last mile and a half or so. In his arms, Lila woke up with a few whimpers, and he slowed his pace. It gave him time to think. 

Whoever had their hands on Loki’s controls, they’d backed off enough for him to heal her. That suggested that they wanted him to have some sort of weakness after all, one they could exploit. Step out of line one inch, and we will make you kill your own daughter... Loki would be unwilling to break rank even if the mind link were severed. That made him considerably more dangerous. 

A delivery truck stood parked in the driveway, with two uniformed workmen unloading crates of groceries, chicken feed, and the like. Nothing out of the ordinary, and Clint slipped past them unnoticed. Laura and Cooper were playing in the living room. 

“Daddy!” 

Cooper ran up to Clint, arms outstretched. That hurt, just a bit. The last time they’d seen each other, his son hadn’t even been able to stand. He’d missed so many important things. 

No matter. He had a mission. 

Some voice in the back of his head. If you succeed, we can protect them. Should you fail... 

Then images flashed through his head, overlaying the peaceful farmhouse. 

A sunny day out in the yard. Laura, a boy and girl he assumed were Cooper and Lila, and a toddler he couldn’t place were eating and playing around a picnic table. 

A shadow brushed the scene, and all four of them hit the ground, writhing in agony before their bodies disintegrated completely. Brown dust vanished into the wind. 

Then he was back in the sunlit house, and Laura had noticed the foil-wrapped newborn in her husband’s arms. 

“Take care of her. Her name is Lila.” 

Without another word, he laid the baby on the couch and left, his wife staring dumbstruck after him. He couldn’t explain to her any better than that. 

He had a mission to attend, after all. 

X 

Ouch. 

“Natasha?” 

She laid him out with one last punch and the world spun around him. Pictures of aliens and the cube all glazed with yellow. Then the yellow faded, to be replaced by intense variations of all the wrong colors. Pink and blue that should have been white, Natasha’s hair blazing like a wildfire before fading to its normal dark red. 

“Clint. You’re going to be okay.” 

And you know this because... They were in completely over their heads. Aliens all over the place, a spear that can fire beams of pure energy and take over people’s minds, and all they could do was try to protect the Dearth. I’m rather fond of it. It’s the only one we’ve got. 

Another quiet Quinjet flight later, and they were in New York City of all places. Here, things were simple. Kill Chitauri. Protect humans. No wonder so many conflicts in history were built around race. Us versus them. It was that much easier for him, fighting from a distance. None of that looking someone in the eyes while you kill them. 

Loki zoomed past on one of their chariots, a small cluster of Chitauri soldiers following him. Something clicked in Clint’s mind, a leftover effect of the mind control, perhaps. 

He said he was being controlled. 

That doesn’t compute. He’s been smacked over the head dozens of times since his arrival. 

He’s not human. He’s far stronger. He just cut a baby out of himself without even flinching. 

You honestly believe that? He wants you to think it’s not his fault so you won’t kill him. 

Someone’s behind this. They gave him the army and the scepter. They threatened his daughter as backup- 

You know perfectly well that’s a fake memory like the others. 

They’re not all fake. Why don’t we just go ask Laura? 

Fine. 

X 

“Hey, there.” 

Laura had long since grown accustomed to Clint keeping secrets, but this was a first. A newborn baby girl, delivered with no explanation. Maybe she belonged to another agent or a suspect or who knows what. And yet, here she was. 

Not “she”. Lila. Her name is Lila. Wrapped in an emergency blanket and nothing at all else, the little one awoke at Laura’s voice and began to fuss quietly. Newborn blue eyes stared upward at her. 

“Are you hungry? Maybe a bath, or some clothes?” 

Lila was still covered in birth fluids. Why Clint couldn’t bother with cleaning her, she would have to grill him later. But not now. 

The copper tub she’d used to bathe Cooper filled with nice, warm water within a minute. Adding one fussy newborn yielded a surprising amount of fuss. 

“Is it too cold? Let’s see.” 

Laura splashed a few drops of hot water on the baby’s arm, and gasped in shock as her skin blistered in the heat. Screams of pain nearly split her ears, but for some reason, she remained calm. Cold water. Run her under cold water. 

There was a pitcher of water in the fridge. Laura rinsed the little one with it until her cries faded to happy babbles. To her surprise, Lila’s skin turned blue instantly, which stranger still, she seemed to enjoy. Go figure. 

The burns faded away completely as her skin shifted back to the pink/yellow of before. Laura watched in amazement. 

“So, you’re into cold, huh? Winter will be fun. I can take you sledding, and you can pummel your brother with snowballs, and we-” 

What are you doing? She’s not your baby. 

Yes, I am. 

Lila’s big green eyes bored into Laura’s. Something yellow crossed between them, and Laura knew that it was true. Yes, you are my baby. 

As if on cue, her blouse darkened with milk. 

X 

The Avengers had been planning to go for lunch, but Loki’s sudden disappearance with the Tesseract left them all in a foul mood, Thor in particular. He’d gone from being stranded on Asgard to being stranded on Earth. 

Clint made his excuses and left for home. Natasha knew about Laura and Cooper, but he was still uncomfortable with the rest. They’d interacted a few times, if that, before putting their lives and the lives of an entire city in each others’ hands. 

How could he possibly trust them? They couldn’t trust him. 

Laura ran out to greet him, not a scratch on her. Cooper toddled happily behind her. Perfectly safe, both of them, as they should be. It was just a dream. Good. 

Cooper held up his arms, and Clint picked him up. “Hey, little guy. How’s it been?” 

“He’s excited to have a sister.” 

Clint was glad that Cooper’s giggling face blocked out Laura’s view of his own. That wasn’t what was supposed to happen. He hadn’t taken in, to raise as his own, the improbable offspring of an unspecified alien that had just tried to take over the entire planet. This wasn’t right. 

“Want to see her?” 

“Of course.” 

When he cradled Lila in his arms for the second time, there was undeniably a part of him that knew yes, this is absolutely right. That part wanted to track Loki down just to say thank you. 

Before too long, that part was all of him. He had an overwhelming urge to protect the little one, to make sure she was safe from the coming storm- 

What storm? We defeated the Chitauri- 

You know better. They’re down, not out. We raised the stakes with that stupid nuke. They’ll respond in kind. 

For today, though, the four of them celebrated their victory along with the rest of the world. No one looking in would have seen anything other than a happily married couple with their two healthy children. Within a few days, Clint convinced himself that Laura had given birth to their daughter while he was away at work. She never seemed to question it. 

The thin white line across the baby's throat was of no consequence.


	3. Sacrifice

Brace for impact, people. 

X 

Quickly enough, they settled into what felt like normal life. Cooper gave his baby sister all the broken or unwanted toys, Laura never did question where their daughter had come from, and even Clint barely remembered anymore the truth of her birth. He never did tell the rest of the team. Other than Nat, they didn’t even know he had a family. 

Thor refused to talk about Loki after the latter’s abrupt disappearance. Clint thought he maybe could have explained to the Asgardian about the child, but he didn’t want Thor to claim her, and soon enough, Thor found an empty patch and a massive beam of light appeared out of nowhere to snatch him back home. They would not hear from him again until an incident with something called the “Aether” brought him back home. 

Things progressed as they would have otherwise. 

While they hid from Ultron and tried to make plans, the rest of the team discovered his best-kept secret. Hawkeye half-expected Thor to notice the odd child out of his two and a half, but he went galivanting off to some magic seeing-thing water with barely a second glance. Clint caught himself wondering if Loki had always been overlooked, and passed that trait on to his daughter. He would just have to make up for it. 

X 

“Go get your arrow.” 

Lila smiled at him and went to do exactly that. She’d taken after him so well. It was a gorgeous day for archery and a nice picnic in the sun. Laura and the boys were busy preparing food. If he ignored the ankle monitor tracking his every move, all was well. 

He only took his eyes off his daughter for a split second. 

Outside in the fresh air, he didn’t even notice the piles of dirt. There weren’t even clothes left behind, like there were in the movies. His first thought was that it must have been something like the Bifrost, snatching people away out of a clear blue sky, leaving no trace behind. 

His first call was, regrettably, to his parole officer. He wasn’t allowed to call any of the Avengers, didn’t even remember anyone’s number. The call went unanswered. 

Finally, he reached the company that delivered chicken feed. All they could tell him was that people all over the world had vanished into piles of dust with no warning. Without even asking, Clint knew the Avengers had been involved. Perhaps, if he and Scott had been there to help, if they hadn’t been locked up like animals and the Avengers themselves splintered into pieces, they could have stopped it. Blasted Accords... 

When a report came over the internet that Loki had died prior to what was eventually dubbed the Snap, there was a perverse sense of relief. Clint had broken a promise to an Asgardian. Not many people survived such a mistake. 

Then again, perhaps Loki’s parental (maternal?) vengeance would have been easier than living with his complete and utter failure as a husband and father. 

X 

“Let me go.” 

I can’t. 

Nat wrenched her arm out of his grip and was gone, and at once, there was a rush of relief. There shouldn’t have been. He should have been devastated, and certainly, he was. But now he could go back to the rest of the Avengers, to his family, and tell them that her death wasn’t his fault. That was her final gift to him. Not just the sacrifice of her life, but the knowledge that he’d done everything he could to avoid it. He could live the rest of his life without the guilt of not having saved her. 

Or so he told himself. 

X 

Next (also last) chapter will be Loki’s perspective, along with his many mental health issues. Take care of yourselves.


	4. Mama

A reminder: This is Loki’s POV, so if his mental health is a problem, proceed with caution. 

X 

Ari: So, how much angst will this chapter have? 

Muse: Yes 

A: ...how many trigger warnings does it need? 

M: Yes 

A: Will I be able to write it in chronological order? 

M: No. You’ve been watching WAY too much Doctor Who for that. 

A: Fair. When will I actually write this? 

M: All at once, on a little notepad, killing time waiting for work to show up. 

A: Naturally. So, I’ll just type it up on my laptop later. 

Laptop: LOL nope. I have a virus. Or something. 

A: Okay, I’ll borrow a library computer and- 

Library: We have a virus. 

A: Oh, yeah... 

A: My phone? 

Phone: I die more often than Loki. 

A: ... 

A: Too soon 

X 

Why am I not dead? 

Loki struggled to his feet, realizing that they stood on bare, dark rock. There was a strange memory of a black-haired woman holding him, but it faded to the obscurity of a dream as soon as he noticed it. He wished she’d killed him. 

Or left you dead. 

He assumed that was the woman’s voice; it sounded familiar somehow. It didn’t match the masked alien that called itself the Other, who was the reason he’d been on the ground in the first place. Again. He would honestly be surprised if after this, there were anything left of him to break. Already, he’d found a spell to numb everything. He would be lucky to die here, but at least it would be painless. 

If it worked. 

X 

After an eternity of searching, a sharp rock. Finally. 

Loki knew he wouldn’t get far trying to escape. There was nowhere to go, anyway. The portal he could barely remember how to traverse didn’t have a connection at the Sanctuary. Even if and when the Bifrost were rebuilt, it wouldn’t reach this far. It was only even supposed to reach the Nine Realms, and even those could prove tricky sometimes. Yggdrasil being what it is. 

It was appropriate, he told himself over and over again, to end things with Thor as he had. Better to rip himself away, leaving a gaping, bloody wound, than to remain and have to wach his brother’s love for him die. Let the last they saw of each other be Thor nearly dying trying to save him. It was just a shame he’d woken up again, with a disconcerting sense that someone familiar had held him, kissed him even. 

There was a final gift, too, from his mysterious guardian: he could no longer feel pain, as if all of the receptors had simply died. Good. That would make this easier. 

His captors had chained him to a cold, wet rock wall, by wrists and ankles, with little enough room, but he had some movement. Movement enough to scrabble through the rocks at his feet until a particularly sharm one caught. Perfect. 

Loki would have of course preferred to cut his throat, lifeblood spilling out onto the barren rocks. It would be his entire life later than it should have been, dying alone in the cold, but still. Better late than never. Anyway that was physically impossible, probably by design. Still, there were other places that would serve the need. 

Eventually, he figured out how to wedge the rock between his thighs and slam his wrists onto it, over and over and over again. With no pain, he couldn’t even tell if it was working, until hot sticky blood poured down his arms and his head began to throb. The last thing he saw before his vision failed completely was his skin hardening to blue. 

X 

Back, again. He let out a few choice expletives, half of which accurately described himself. 

His mind held no fading sense of the woman who looked like him, so he must have fallen just short of death this time. Shame. 

To move was to awaken a violent but painless tearing through his belly. All he could do was rest, and regret every single heartbeat. 

X 

The scars on his wrists and running up his abdomen soon faded under his usual glamour, yet the sense of damage remained. There was no way to mark the time: no suns, no moon, only a vast array of stars he couldn’t recognize. 

All Loki knew was that the wounds had healed, then he awoke to an odd flushed feeling that harkened back to the early days of adolescence and learning a spell to lock the door to his chambers. That, too, faded with time, only to be replaced by the feeling of something draining his magic. Probably more damage that it was re-routed to heal. 

Come to think of it, the awkwardness at the time went far beyond the simple transition from child to adult; he’d been completely unaware of his own species. Truth be told, there was still so much he did not know. Some stories had yet to be told, and perhaps they never would. 

X 

“What did you do to me?” 

“To ask like that, I think you already have an idea.” The blue creature -a Luphomoid, she’d said- refused to meet his gaze. 

“Tell me anyway. Wasn’t scrambling my memories with the scepter enough? What is wrong with you people? Now you’re -perverting- my body-” 

“All they did was add an artificial womb, and an embryo to go with it. I have a computer instead of a brain. I lost my last true limb getting that infernal scepter. Every part of my body has been ‘enhanced’ or replaced or some combination. The only thing I have that actually works like it’s supposed to is my reproductive system, and they used that for an egg. The rest is you, in case you couldn’t figure that out. Maybe that helps; I don’t know. Anyway, it could be a lot worse.” 

Loki thought for a moment. It didn’t help. He’d been ready to die, before. Now he was stuck, with some helpless scrap depending on him. That was the last thing he wanted. Why did it have to exist? 

After a moment, he realized Odin not-father must have had a similar reaction to finding him. 

X 

Mama 

Bolt upright in total blackness. He would have had no bearing were it not for his hands on the bare rock beneath him. The old familiar dents and cracks grounded him nicely. It must have just been a bad dream. 

Mama 

Okay, a lost child, another lost child more accurately, must have wandered in looking for its mama. Except that made no sense. 

Mama 

Oh 

Loki ran a hand over his abdomen, trying to feel for the implant or the tiny being inside. How fast was it developing? When would it be ready to be born? It was barely even conceived, and already, it was just like him, only more so. So many unknowns. 

What would it look like? Blue, most likely. Maybe he would put a glamour spell on it. Definitely, tell it the whole story, eventually. 

Mama 

Getting ahead of ourselves, are we? You’re locked up in prison, they want you alive for some reason, and what are the odds of making it out alive? 

Maybe he should try escaping. 

Mama 

X 

“Why does it exist?” 

“You have your uses. They don’t want you trying that knife stunt again. We’ve read enough of your memories that we know you’d never hurt an innocent child.” 

Loki had to admit that Nebula was absolutely correct. 

“Can you help me get out of here?” His voice was quiet, husky. He barely used it these days. 

Nebula shook her head. “You know I can’t. I’d wish you luck, and the little one, but it’s not likely to work out.” 

The words struck like one of Sleipnir’s eight hooves in the middle of his chest. Without thinking, he curled up around the baby, still chained to the wall as he was. They’d told him what it would take to get free, and he hadn’t been willing. Yet. 

“I want to protect it. Is that weird?” 

“Her.” 

Loki glanced up at Nebula, confused. 

“They checked.” 

Her. A little girl. No longer just a voice. Loki exhaled sharply, resigned. 

“Send me to Midgard. I’ll do what they want.” 

X 

He thought of naming her after one of the flowers he hadn’t seen in eons, that existed only in memories he hadn’t trusted since they put the scepter to his chest and yellow lanced through him. But part of him, the part that just wouldn’t follow the rules, the part that fancied himself a god of mischief, rejected that idea. 

A twist on a flower name, maybe. Lily, so they had the same letter? Lila, then. Perfect. A touch of yellow happy shot through him. That was a good development from the scepter; they could communicate to a certain extent. Good. She likes it. 

Later that evening, trying to choke down gritty bread and meat of dubious origin, because Lila needs to eat, darn it, he realized that she’d managed to put a smile on his face. It had to be the first time since Thor’s bungled coronation. 

Maybe this won’t be so bad after all. 

X 

How long was she supposed to gestate? Asgardians carried for two of their years- after a moment, he remembered that was completely irrelevant. Jotuns seemed to have similar lifespans, but only now did Loki appreciate how little he knew of his own bloody species and I am the monster parents tell their children about at night- 

Lila kicked violently, snapping him out of his headspace of Odin dying pointlessly and Asgard going up in smoke and flames. That was nothing his daughter needed to see. 

How long, though? Half of her was Luphomoid, but he hadn no idea how long they lived and he hadn’t seen Nebula in months to ask her. All of that assumed the implant would actually carry her for that long. And then what? Would it just kick her out? 

His shapeshifting had once or twice extended to a female form, but never for long enough to figure out if it actually functioned. Now, he couldn’t even try. He’d made one solid attempt at escape early in by shifting to a bird, which earned him another jab with the scepter. Now, similar attempts were met with an overwhelming yellow NO. 

No, Loki. 

Loki, no. 

Mama 

He pressed just so, and she kicked at him. Good girl. He almost smiled. 

There was nothing else for it. When the time came, he would have to cut himself open to birth her. At least it wouldn’t hurt. He could only hope she would be ready. 

X 

“Ready for Midgard?” 

Ebony Maw readied the portal and Loki couldn’t help but smile. 

“The real question is, is Midgard ready for me?” 

Ebony bared his teeth and handed Loki the scepter. Lila jumped in response as he took it. He fought the urge to react; everyone doubtless knew of his condition, but why risk extra attention? 

He wasn’t even showing, even this far along, far enough that he thought she might live without him. That would make it easier. If he could just get to Midgard, get her out, dump her somewhere she’d be found, then he could finally die in peace. 

So, what, just abandon her like Laufey did with you? 

Stop. I’ll leave her somewhere safe. Just get through the portal, and- 

His entire body contracted violently around the little one as blue light swirled everywhere. For somewhere between a hearbeat and eternity, Loki couldn’t move, breathe, blink even. Then he kicked his feet out just in time to land on some platform. 

Immediately he noticed two things. First, his flesh thrummed with blue energy, borrowed from the Tesseract. He liked it. It gave him the strength to bounce the humans’ pathetic weapons off of his skin without so much as a bruise. Briefly, he wondered what it would look like without the glamour. 

When he realized Lila had stopped moving, it felt like a Mjolnir to the chest. He couldn’t even probe for her mind using the scepter. That was needed for the mortals. 

Please no. Not my daughter. 

That was the first time he’d called her that. 

X 

The older one who knew him as “brother of Thor” (he had to suppress a growl), he could save. He’d been friends with Thor. Old habits of protecting all of them died hard. In any case, he would prove useful. 

The archer caught Loki’s attention by trying to fight back with his bare hands if need be. Something passed between them when the scepter turned him. A glimpse of his wife and toddler son. That called up in turn a memory of Frigga Mother telling him that if he ever needed help, to ask someone with children. Too young then to talk, he’d simply nodded. A millennium later, that lesson was coming back. Perhaps Barton could help with Lila when the time came. 

She still hadn’t moved. 

X 

The tunnels, if tunnels they were, matched Loki’s mood perfectly. Dark, ill-defined, falling apart, and the damp walls were shedding the tears he could not. 

He wanted his mother. Even if she wasn’t actually his mother. He wanted her to help him birth Lila, to comfort him if he was correct about her being gone, and if otherwise, to be a grandmother to a child who would need all the help she could get. Already, though, he knew the two would never meet. The universe that had tortured him since at least the day he was born would never be that kind to him. 

He spared a quick burst of seider to look at her, but got no further than a glowing outline before a command to stop shot through his head. 

In an instant, he was back in the sanctuary, kneeling before the Other. Purely by instinct, he’d already wrapped his arms around Lila, knowing it was pointless if the Other decided to kill her. Just make it quick. 

“You are distracted, Asgardian. Get rid of your spawn and carry out the mission as instructed. Now.” 

“Okay.” 

Maybe she was just resting. Maybe she was far enough along. He would just have to hope- 

The Other, unfortunately, hadn’t finished. “Get it out of you, then kill it. You have one purpose, and it isn’t to breed.” 

Loki couldn’t speak, couldn’t breathe. It felt like his throat had been sewn shut this time, instead of his lips. 

Then he was back on Midgard, underground, and no sign of the cursed Other. But the command remained. 

X 

Let’s take this one step at a time. 

No one needed to see this. If he did it correctly, they wouldn’t even notice. No one here would even realize she’d existed. 

Then Barton slipped through the door just before it shut, and Loki didn’t have it in him to kick him out. He fancied the idea of Barton stopping what he was about to do, throwing off the mind control, snatching the baby, and vanishing into the unknown so he would never have to worry about them again. 

Of course, reality proved disappointing. Barton stood a fair distance away, awaiting further instructions. There was nothing else for it. 

He conjured one of his favorite daggers from his pocket dimension and set about excising his daughter from his own flesh. She had to come out anyway; she was dead. That’s why she’d stopped moving. The stress of the portal had been too much for her tiny body. It was kinder that way, for both of them. 

There, behind his intestines, lay the implant, some sort of stretchcy blue material that pulsed with blood. Before Thor’s not-coronation and that God-awful trip to Jotunheim, he would have been curious about it. Now, he simply sliced it open, releasing a flood of clear, sticky fluid. He thrust his hand in and it closed around a tiny skull. 

Taking no great pains to be gentle, he maneuvered the tiny body through layers of organs and muscle and out into the freezing air. Some part of him he would never acknowledge felt relieved when she caught on something and just yanked her out violently. If her neck broke in the process, it wasn’t his fault, and then he wouldn’t have to worry about her anymore. 

No such luck. Something tore in him instead, and she came free, absolutely still even now. He laid her on the cold, wet, dirty ground and set about tending to the afterbirth, mending his wounds, and cleaning up the mess. No one had to know what happened here. Even Heimdall wasn’t watching. 

To his surprise, his seidr was already working better. Being away from the so-called sanctuary, or not needing to protect the little one? The latter would explain why the Other wanted him to birth her now. It didn’t matter, anyway. At least it was over. 

Or it wasn’t, because he could never have anything that easy. 

Everything back in place and on the way to healing, Loki stood up and walked away. He didn’t want to see her. He ccould just pretend the whole thing never happened. He could make Barton forget everything, from the child’s existence to whatever thoughtless babble he couldn’t help saying. 

No, that wasn’t right. He couldn’t just leave her in the cold to be eaten by rats or swept up like garbage. Abandoning one’s newborn offspring was Laufey’s job. He would at least burn her body. Maybe she could find her way to Valhalla. 

A tiny gurgling noise put an end to that idea. It was an odd sensation, a surge of love while his heart sank, because now they would make him kill her. He closed his eyes, unwilling to see her while he waited for the yellow to take over. 

That didn’t happen. 

The Other’s voice finally cut through the chaos the yellow had made of his mind. “Oh no, Asgardian. You have to do it yourself.” 

At that, he scoffed. “And if I don’t?” He immediately knew he would regret asking. That sound of humorless laughter quickly drowned out all else. 

“Use your imagination, Asgardian. If you try to save that meaningless brat, we will take over, and find out just how much pain she can handle before she starts screaming for “Mama” to put her out of her misery like he should have in the first place-” 

Loki pulled away abruptly from the mind link. He could imagine all too well the horrors the Other would force him to unleash. Nearly every bone in his own body had been broken into countless pieces, allowed to heal badly, re-broken, aligned, and healed properly to return him to his usual strength. They’d managed to do it without external scarring, probably so no one would believe him. Then there was the implant, shoving most of his organs out of their places just to do something he was never supposed to be able to do. All of which was little against what had been done to his mind. He had no idea which of his memories he could trust or not. 

For all of that, he was still the most fortunate of Thanos’ “children”. He supposed that left him with five parents, exactly one of which rated the term. It was unlikely he would ever see her again. But it wasn’t enough. Thanos and the Other were after his soul, too. Why not? They’d bent reality to create the child, space to send him to Midgard, minds every step of the way... Power was probably next on their list, and while they were at it, time would no doubt get screwed up, too. All six of them were on the line. 

He had to do it. No amount of introspection could work around that. Even now, he would rather have died stayed dead than gone through the Hel that had been his time in the Sanctuary. None of which he could explain to Barton. He gave the mortal some excuse that sounded at least halfway believable. They didn’t call him Silvertongue for nothing. 

Stop stalling and get on with it. 

He didn’t know anymore if that was the Other’s voice or his own. It didn’t even matter. His feet dragged as he trudged back to his daughter. 

I’m sorry, little one. 

X 

He could have done it with a spell, put an end to her pointless squirming by stopping her heart or severing her brainstem. He’d done that sort of thing before, in a battle or on a hunt. How many had he killed, over the years? 

But there had to be one more death. It was better this way. One quick blow instead of the horrors the Other could conjure. 

He lifted his improbable offspring as gently as he could manage, tucking her into his left arm. Her head settled into the crook of his elbow, and he could hear his once-mother’s voice reminding him to support a baby’s head, careful now. Something that in another world might have been love clutched at him. No matter. It had to be done. 

First, though, he could make her just a bit more comfortable. Birthing fluids had plastered her limbs still crossed over her body, although she’d managed to kick her right leg out to wave about in the frigid nighttime air. He separated her toes, peeling off a film of unknown fluids. If he lingered in the action, treasuring the physical contact, it was of no concern. It changed nothing. 

Loki did the same with her other leg, and a touch of yellow from her told him she didn’t have the words for “thank you”. He took a quick look. A girl, just like Nebula had said. She had everything she was supposed to have, not that she would ever get the chance to use it. Stop it. Don’t think like that. That’s not going to be what breaks you. 

And yet, there was part of him that wished that the baby-blue eyes that were looking straight into what was left of his soul would see sunlight long enough to darken to green, that the hands he was cleaning of sticky mess from the womb and grit from the concrete where he’d laid her would eventually cast spells that he could teach her, because out of anyone in the universe, she would make him an excellent pupil... 

But that could never be. 

He planted a kiss and spoke her name only once, just so she would have something. A quick touch of yellow, and she slept in his arms. It was all he could give her, other than the mercy of making it quick. 

No more stalling. He kissed her gently, spoke her name just once. That was all he could give her. Wishing with every fiber of his being that someone, literally anyone, would stop him, snatch the baby away, preferably kill him for good measure, he conjured the same dagger he’d used to birth her. He’d learned how to kill almost before he could talk. If nothing else, he knew how to make it quick. It was all he could do for her. 

One quick awful blow into her neck and out her throat. Her eyes flew open. He could see shock in them besides the pain, and more through the link from Barton. The two of them must have been the only creatures in the entire universe to be shocked that he, screwed-up reject of a monster Loki, would do such a thing. Lila was quite likely the only living being to share his blood. Blood that now poured out over the filthy rock and himself. 

He had to stop it. He had to save her. She didn’t deserve to die, least of all at the hand of the one person who should have been protecting her at any cost. 

The dagger and Loki hit the ground, hard. Mindlessly, he clamped a hand down on her wound, trying to stop the bleeding. Still, he could feel her choking on her own blood just to get a breath in. He tried shoving seidr into her and hoping for the best, but he’d never been particularly good at healing. It was already too late. Even if he could get everything back into place, she’d lost too much blood- 

You are an even bigger fool than Thor. Not place, space. You’ve both come through the space stone, and what is a wound if not an error in space? 

The universe would bend its will to any being with one stone and enough imagination. Thanos lacked imagination, hence wanting all six stones. But for now- 

Loki tapped into the blue, reversing what he’d just done to his baby daughter, putting everything back into place. Blood vessels, skin, muscles, and all the rest knitted together, that horrible red stain flowing back to where it belonged. Then it was done, and she slept safely in his arms. 

He clutched her to his chest. She snuggled against him, listening to his heartbeat, he guessed. Had he done that with Frigga? Odin, even? 

The Other’s laughter drowned out all else. “Pathetic, Asgardian, absolutely pointless.” 

“Why would you make me do that? Just leave her alone. Please-” Was he saying that out loud, or in his head? It made no difference, but he was completely losing his grip on reality, and that couldn’t be good. 

“I didn’t make you do anything. You tried to kill your own newborn of your own accord.” 

“No, I didn’t- you threatened- Yes, I did.” 

Barton had cut loose of the induced paralysis and gently extracted Lila from Loki’s arms, with a promise to leave her somewhere safe. That sparked hope, just a thread, and then it clicked, finally, into place. They’d created her in the first place, and done everything since then, just to make sure he had a weakness they could easily exploit. Even if by some miracle he managed to get the yellow out, he would never be free of them. 

“That’s right, Asgardian. You know it. Now get back to work.” 

X 

“I am a god, you dull creature, and I will not be bullied by-” 

Ow. 

Ow 

O 

A few quick gasps 

More ow 

Owwwww 

“Puny god” 

Breathe 

Just breathe 

Sheer terror 

No, she’s already out. She’ll be fine. 

Perhaps if he died now, smashed into the floor by a bizarre green angry creature, it wouldn’t be so bad. The yellow was fading, but not gone. If this were the end, he would never have to follow their commands again. 

It wasn’t the end. The beast stalked off with a parting shot, leaving him to continue gasping for breaths he wished his body would stop taking. 

All he could do was whimper. 

X 

Tucking the cube into his pocket dimension, Loki finally breathed easier. Thanos couldn’t find him now. The Chitauri were “balanced” by the weapon shot through the portal. Even the Mad Titan would be set back quite a ways. 

Loki had the cube. He could go anywhere in the universe with it. He could take Lila, teleport to some planet in need of a king, and take over. Any competition would simply find itself stranded in the middle of nowhere, or if he were feeling gracious, some happy garbage heap of a planet where they could live out their meaningless lives dying in gladiatorial combat. Lila would become the princess she deserved to be. 

The farmhouse was as safe as anywhere on Midgard, and Loki had to give Barton credit for that. The Avenger, his wife, and the children all slept soundly as he crept in, invisible and silent. He could probably wipe their memories after he left. They had served their purpose. 

The crib, he could recognize, and the child within. Her eyes, opened as he walked in, had already morphed to green, as he’d thought. For some reason, they’d dressed her in a cloth bag, with holes for arms. No matter. He lifted her gently, letting the invisibility spell drop as he did so. It obviously didn’t work on her. 

“Hey there, little one.” 

She actually smiled at him. Why did she look like him, anyway? She had all the genetics for blue and bald. Instead, she bore the golden-pink hues of Loki’s usual glamour, and a dusting of brown hair already darkening the top of her head. That was something to research, later. 

Loki reached out to touch the Cube again, and recoiled in horror. It was trying to tell him something; whether as a warning or a threat, he couldn’t tell. Half of the universe, falling to pieces at the snap of Thanos’ fingers- 

He hit the ground hard, the little one still securely in his arms. She was exactly where she belonged. But this had the feeling of a dream, or his mother’s scrying. Perhaps in another world, she’d already fallen to dust, unmade from creation entirely. Not even dead, to join her ancestors in the feasthall of Valhalla, or whatever an afterlife for a half-Jotun-half-Luphomoid infant could possibly look like. 

Death would still be preferable. That had not changed. 

The Asgardian afterlife was supposed to be accessible to anyone who died with a weapon in their hand. Loki had never questioned that before learning his true species, but had wondered what exactly constituted a “weapon”. Words were weapons, and his magic. Bare hands would suffice if one had nothing else. He could put one of his daggers in her hand, do it properly this time, and hope for the best. Anything had to be better than nothing. 

Ultimately, the cube offered him a shred of hope. A glimpse of its fate in another time, being snatched from the mortals to reverse the “balancing”. 

It wouldn’t work. Not without his help. It would only make things worse. There was one way to save his daughter, and it didn’t involve standing here holding her like both their lives depended on it. It involved leaving her, probably for good. 

He gently set her back down in her crib, adding a spell for protection and good luck. It couldn’t hurt, right? Be safe, little one. 

Mama’s got work.


End file.
